Okay let's see - Let me back up a little and go to the beginning of the year where things didn't look so bright for many reasons. Without divulging many details, all I would say is - a big collection of dark clouds started making its presence on my family without warning or intimation. Fair enough - in all these years of counting the candles on the cake and having role models like my mom - I have learnt to not give up, give in or loose the battle without a fight.
The Navratri that came in Spring came when I was beginning to feel the twinge of despair. It was not an easy time. Having your own struggles is way different than seeing your own struggling! And I know moms reading this will be nodding their heads. But there was a hint of faith in what my Nanaji used to say and I heard the story enough number of times to rekindle that faith that was somewhere deeply settled in my heart and bones. I believed. I kept my faith. I prayed. A lot! I hoped and said my prayers silently to not just my family but also Ambe Maa. Hoping that my prayer will be heard sooner than later. Spring Navratri came in with the light I wanted to see. We were able to do what we wished. We didn't have to uproot or tangle. We got one more chance! Amongst many prayers and silent tears - I sighed a sense of relief not knowing that there is a bigger test planned for me.
N was able to graduate without any glitches from middle school. Just like that she was a high-schooler. One day she was laughing with her middle school teachers and the next she was introducing herself to high-school teachers learning world history. I cried seeing that transition. A lot. My mumma heart was not prepared for this. I was very proud of what she had achieved in the short span of being in this country. Proud of the girl she is becoming, of the friendships she is treasuring and the knowledge that she is gaining. But I had to go on a leave of absence from my work and that gave me a lot of time to mull over my deep set hidden emotions. I learnt to be a better teen mom. I am learning not to nag, control, advise without asking, being a better listener and a lot more while the time I was home.
If there was one thing that came out of my Long leave of absence from work - then it was being home again when she came back from school. Of course she didn't like it as much cos which teen likes to talk to mumma when they could be scrolling YouTube or watching their favourite sitcom.. but she obliged.
Nevertheless and slowly we brought those memories back when she used to come home and start her chattering as soon as she stepped out of the bus :-D We talked, fought, argued, watched and ate a lot! It was a good summer - except the heaviness in my heart that I cannot go back to my work. Something that not only kept my bank balance up but also brought me joy and respect!
2 months turned into 3 and slowly I started to give up hope. I started asking questions like Why Me? Why Now? What's the point? My sister used to be positive and tell me perhaps you needed to relax and slow down a little and I used to half-heartedly agree. But the ache didn't subside. PMS emotions went on peak and some days were so much more difficult than others. I walked around the community parks and explored trails that I perhaps never would if not for this break. Walking Trips Learnt to build a tent
Completed a 5k walkathon with N.
Talked with mom everyday
Made my fav food
Almost solo trip Solo trip.
Nyc
And after many years of reluctant hesitation - went back to my first love! Dance! Yes. I picked up dancing again. Baby steps nothing huge, not even close to performance ready but I started. I wanted to break out of the shell and feel the floor on my bare feet in rhythm. It brought me happiness! A joy that I had forgotten how it feels. I don't know when and why I stopped dancing. But the thrill of being able to flow in a tune was ecstatic!
Around Ganesh Chaturthi is when I stopped. I stopped asking those questions reeling in my head. I prayed. Again. With all my heart and devotion. Just chanted, listened to tunes that I had grown up listening to and picked up along the way living in various places. And one day just like that I felt lighter. I gave up control. I gave up the need to ask the WHY. And suddenly a ray of hope shined across the living room. My spatula splattered on the kitchen slab I ran to tell my colleague and manager that I am going back soon. They were so happy. But it was short lived. The wait was yet not over. A weekend passed and then a couple of weeks and here I was just waiting patiently - I don't know for what. But I was for the 1 paper that would say - "Ja simran ja...jee le apni zindagi" But by now I knew its going to come today or tomorrow. The only question was if my job would be still there when I get the paper. The company I work for, that I chose last year and that chose me - put their faith in the system. Waited for me for 3 months when they promised only 1.5. Which in itself was a big feat for me. I couldn't ask them to wait longer but just kept giving them my status updates. It seemed a futile process but everytime my manager's text blinked on my phone she only had some positive reinforcement to say! That's when you know you have good people around. And I held onto my faith a little longer.
I danced my heart out that night! Danced till my feet hurt and back couldn't ache anymore. But the happiness refused to calm down. And then what started was my feeling overwhelmed and grateful and lucky and amazing all at the same time.
My prayers were answered but questions were not. Why did God made me do this? What was the need of the hibernation. And then the answers flowed. My body had undergone trauma and it was settled somewhere deep down in my body as I refused to let it surface. I had to slow down. I had to breathe and let it all go. I had to sleep when I felt like, walk when I couldn't see any track in place and feel the heat of the summer and chill of my tears all at the same time. I needed the time to soothe my broken soul and find answers for myself to keep going. If it wasn't for the break I never would have thought of going back to dancing or fasting and would have never discovered I can easily go without having dinner if I had proper meal in the day. There were so many little things I learnt, did and experienced in the vast 4 months that I feel 1 blog post is not enough to pen everything down.
When I did my Navmi pooja - a ritual that I have started to do because it gives me utmost happiness - I broke down a little while singing the aarti. I always find myself tight lipped during this aarti but that day was something different. I ate to my heart's content and loved every minute of the small havan and pooja rituals that we did. And then I went for another garba alone. That night I danced like malang - carefree, free spirited and don't care about tomorrow! When the aarti played again - my tears refused to stop with my words. I cried so much to a point I thought the person standing next to me was concerned about me. And when they played my national anthem - it was like a dam that had overflowed. I choked on my tears and just stood there soaking in sounds from 200+ people singing the rhythms, I grew up listening to.
It was like a release of emotions that was waiting to flow out. I had to let them go for my sake and my soul. A phase that started almost 9 months ago was beginning to fade out - finally and I could finally breathe. Not because I got to go back to my old job and things would eventually turn out fine. But because I learnt to accept my feelings and accept what is bothering me.
In the 9 day festival, I danced like a pro whether I liked it or not,
made reels with N,
got ready with N, (believe it or not the dressing up is twice as much fun with ur teen daughter than alone)
made new friends,
took chances,
posed for pictures and took pictures,
prayed a lot,
thanked a lot and with all my heart!
Thanks to family, all my friends who supported me saying - its okay its a phase, try to enjoy the break. It was hard to follow then, but I am glad I did and I can look back with fond memories and big lessons and a strong trust in my faith!
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