The Big Move

 

This week we completed 8 months of relocating to a different country.

So much has changed yet so much remains the same! This is 1 thought that I cannot brush off when I think about life after moving. 

I wanted to write so much from so long but was extremely emotional about everything. I knew if I started to write I would break down inconsolably which was the last thing I wanted to do with a pre-teen daughter who has been on a roller coaster ride since the beginning of this move. Now that so much time has passed I have accepted the change.

As many of you know we wanted to make this move pre-covid but as luck would have it, it got delayed for the longest time and the visa interview opened up just when I was about to give up. I think only 2 people were 100% sure that this move will happen. One was my friend A and none other than N. And see how the stars aligned for N's ichcha-shakti (wishful thinking) we got our appointment date on the date when A was making her big move! That is when the emotions started flying high. And when I saw the visa stamps on our passports - I didn't have tears because i was too excited to move to US, but it was because finally the long long journey of the waiting was over. Unlike most of my fellow Indians who had a wonderful time during the WFH quarantine zones, our family struggled a little to find balance and little joys. With husband's 2 am client calls and N's 8 am school calls - I was juggling household chores, temper tantrums, hormonal imbalances, construction horror next door and the ache of not able to visit family when needed. So when the move began to look more realistic - somewhere there was a sense of relief. To start something fresh. But to make a new start was equally intimidating. 

And then began the debate of finishing school year or leaving mid-term. I would have opted for the latter if Covid had become obsolete by then. But the thought of the family being divided between 2 continents during such uncertain times was enough to give me sleepless nights. So reluctantly we preponed mine and N's travel along with J's plans. It was highX4 times for him to start working in normal human waking hours. the circadian rhythm had gone for a toss and so had a lot of his health too. Making the big move just kept making more n more sense in the practical sense. But is kambakht dil ko kaun samjhaye!

And then came the part when I started packing for a new chapter in suitcases and the old chapter into boxes and cupboards. As inspired I was with couple of my friends who made this big move, it was H.A.R.D! And that my friend is the understatement of the year!! When you make an abode your own for many years so much is involved into that. Your hard work, your sweat, your dreams, aspirations, good times, corners filled with tearful memories - so much. And that abode becomes like an entity. Like a family member who is beloved and cared for. A family member whom its difficult to leave and say good bye. It has been 8 months this week and i haven't been able to open my picture folder and see the photos i clicked in the last 1-2 years in my home. Today when my dearest friend A went to my that 'abode' she couldn't not call me and show me all those nooks n corners. Gulzar saab ki 2 line yaad aa gayi. "1 purana mausam lauta...yaad bhari purvayi bhi. " 

When I toured the home on the whatsapp video call I felt as if time had stood still. Our home had shielded our memories, our belongings and our past tense for us as if making a promise that its going to hold down the fort till we come back. I know a home is made of people and its here for me right now where my family is. But that family member is somehow left behind and I miss it. For N too home is still that 2bhk apt on the 9th floor where the balconies faced the beautiful sunsets and wind blew our hairs as soon as we opened the doors or window. Her bunk bed, our blue bedroom, daddy's desk, open living room and my kitchen. The beds don't have our favorite sheets and the stove lies empty with the sink dry and clean. 'cos the plates that used to clanker the sink are safely stacked in the drawer below. I didn't have the heart to remove the picture frames from the dining area. I wanted to go back to the house, where her little face eating that ice-cream brightens the room! The fairy lights that gave us innumerable beautiful nights as if we are sitting under the stars - had stopped working just weeks before we left...as if humse naraaz ho gayi thi.. There was a soul in that house that made it home for us even before we started living there. That soul is still there. I know it. A part of my soul will always be there giving it company! 

Over the period of 16 years I have learnt to leave my family and friends and slowly got used to the idea that even though I cannot see them everyday - they walk with me in a lot of ways. And technology has helped me stay close to each one of them every step of the way. Its very painful to say byes even now. This time it was harder when i saw N waving at her friends. And esp to her bestie. The instant I started my car back after the hugs and byes and leaving with moist eyes - I knew it will never be the same again. And to this date my heart wrenches in twists to even think about it. But its a fact that I cannot change. It was extremely hard for N to adapt to a more isolated culture after the initial excitement filled weeks in school. And perhaps it was harder for me to hold back my tears and console her and assure her it is for the best. As much as life is easier and smoother here, it gets lonely. Especially for a single child! As much as she is learning how to deal with different kinds of people, finding like minded people to hang out with, she misses the comfort of her calling her bestie and just hanging out with her without any worries of past, present and future! Alas, its called growing up! 

But after many months of cooped up in the house, because of covid, harsh winters etc, finally spring came down with nature's bounty. We started exploring new things as a family. From going for grocery shopping together to multiple rounds of furniture shopping - absence of external factors brought us even more closer to each other. the proximity came with its pros and cons but we learnt and continue to grow! we are able to experience all those things that we only used to wish for while in India and weren't able to due to lack of time, energy, resources. the seamless experiences, the lakeer ke fakeer attitude comes in with a sense of calm here. even though a lot of work has to be managed without extra help and door delivered luxuries - the sense of predictability helps in calming our nerves. the initial hiccups of getting covid, lasting effects of covid, being detected with hypertension and a scare of health ups and downs, we have found a good rhythm. better weather helped us get out and walk and experience our surroundings. helped us connect with ourselves and think and find a tune that we can hum together...

Summer has brought in holidays and travel. Getting together with family members and enjoying cool ice-creams on warm humid nights. The spurt of fireflies and late evening walks reminds us of the beautiful times we used to love in India. Shedding the extra baggage of jackets and hoodies, its comforting to wear India cottons and slippers under the sky. The pool fun and the car ride with windows down helps us in missing India a tad bit less. The shining bright sunlight and sweet voices of numerous birds help us feel a tad bit more home! And just before we get too attached to anything, anyone or any place - destiny is making us move again! This time closer to a bigger city, hopefully to more opportunities, greener pastures, less tears and more joys!

Just like a human baby is almost ready to come out from the comfort of it's mother's womb - I think I have taken these 8 -9 months to prepare myself for a longer journey here. I think I am ready to live here longer, and to be able to experience the better things this country has to offer, newer opportunities, interesting choices here. Better for me. My family. My situation. I somewhat know what to expect And I hope so does J & N. I hope we as a family are able to utilize this opportunity to the fullest and then take a call where we want to be able to live for the next 4-5 years of our lives. I hope this time it will not be so damn difficult to leave the house empty and say bye to the neighbors and streets! 

Until next time... 

-Mom.Reflections