I cannot believe it has been 2 years and some that I last wrote here..
Life changed so much since! I think in the attempt to catch up and on I wasn't able to gather thoughts & time together to sit and write. Have always been big on emotions.. the smallest thing with the biggest impact! And with so much happening in the last 2 years... It's hard to keep up.
I know quite a few of you kept liking my FB/Instagram posts that shared small and big changes that we as a family came across - but motherhood I feel wasn't best captured in those few lines and pictures. N has given me a hard time asking why I don't write and follow my passion anymore.. And honestly there's no excuse. So here I am on a quiet Sat morning, bundled in a blanket and robe sipping a hot cup of instant brew - pouring my heart out.
So when I was - Switching jobs to an entire different industry, working towards getting my parents visas and arranging their visit to the US finally!, moving to a beautiful cul-de-sac apartment - N was flourishing in middle school with raging hormones and wading through a her own social life. I will not sugar coat it. Last 2 years were full of hard, trying but wonderful and exhilarating times at once! Dealing with the stress of switching jobs, learning the ropes of a new business, US visa processing, having an active social life - nothing comes with a badge of honor but they are all feats for a mom like me if nothing less! Especially when you have 1 perimenopausal and 1 teen girl in the same household. At times I felt sorry for J since he has too much estrogen to handle... In all these I felt I got disconnected with my friends and times even N. Don't get me wrong - I have some amazing groups of friends here and I love to celebrate festivals and special occasions together. But I am not talking about partying and socializing. The meaningful conversations with friends - where you can talk without being judged, critiqued or looked down upon. It is so hard to find the right window to talk. India and US have opposite time zones and most of the those windows go to catch up with family. With different time zones right here (which I will never understand the significance of) when my friends are free I am conked off from the day. Even for local friends - I feel people are trying to do their best getting most of the mere 24 hours given to mankind - it is real hard to get on a phone call without appointment. NO blames here but this is how life is. I sometimes feel it might be easier in India with more help around the house - but again, no complaints!
As I finally managed to settle down completing my half a dozen months in the new job, there was another big change round the corner. We had to work toward a new journey for N's HIGH SCHOOL! By God, I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that my little girl with a big wide smile and doe eyes is gearing her way up to High school! I know for a fact I was not alone having tears in my eyes when the principal asked us to compare those little kindergartners and the upcoming high schoolers sitting next to us in that auditorium. It was intense! As if all the different auditoriums I had been for 1 or the other event were reeling around me. As emotional I was, the thought of her being able to go to a great high school with so many opportunities to learn - I am super excited for her and me! Excited to witness the next 4 years and see how it changes and progresses her as a person. Excited about how our relationship will develop further..
And when you say relationship with your teen daughter - all the pro moms here know what I am talking about. It is a rocky, wild and full of emotions journey - for both mother & daughter. A journey that I asked for and she didn't - yet she is learning to gracefully stride while she discovers herself. Somewhere in my gut I have a feeling, we are par the most difficult terrains. Having said that I don't mean at all that it is going to be a smooth sailing ride from now on. But at the same time I feel I have learnt how to be and behave like any ally, friend and slowly learning to be other things and not just be a - Mom, chauffer, nurse & guide. I won't say it was a struggle - but a roller coaster journey these past 2 years. It is not easy for us moms to let go, especially when your princess is your only one! For years I was the person whom she used to come and vent no matter what. Suddenly - I was "one" of the people she wanted to talk. And sometimes not even. I missed the time when I used to be SAHM and she used to burst into the home babbling all the events that happened in the entire day. I know it was not just because I had started working full time. But also that she was finding her own niche. Her group of friends & confidantes. Relatable?
As I came across some friends and acquaintances during the upcoming high school journey and tournaments that I got to witness as a parent - I realized yet again... how lonely we are in this big long journey! Until - we decide to open up our hearts and talk to fellow moms. Some people rely on reading material & some on online content to get their inspiration. I do too - I follow some wonderful teen parent influencers on social media. But connecting with fellow moms has been my biggest source of learning. And now talking to N - her friends and observing their teen behavior in this world of online content and super high pressure environment - I am learning every day. Learning the fact that if I keep expecting her to spend time with just me - its going to be a frustrating process. Because her world has changed...and perhaps mine too. We have few more years to go before we can engage in adult conversations!
When I talked to fellow moms and didn't have that bad horror stories to share about my teen, I was asked what have I been doing differently.. First of all, I kept my faith in my mom's belief that its just a phase and it shall pass soon! And yes - there were some very conscious actions on my part like certain things I did or have started doing recently to get immense gratification as a mom-
-Take her out with her friends - Yes it was odd to see her giggle with her friends and not as much as you - but spend some time with them and chill without instructions - and you will see the difference in their body language.
-Do some fun activity like spa therapy, making a reel, giving each other head massages or facials, be their sous chef... They are at the age when the trial runs are more fun than the final result. It is bound to be frustrating to see a messy kitchen cos they get busy with their homework or practice - but trust me its worth it! Even though you don't want to eat those cookies - it is all worth it!
-Take your laptop or book and just go their rooms and do your thing. No questions, no instructions. And upon getting frowns - just simply smile and say I miss you! Which honest to God you have started to do when they find their friends more interesting than being with you.... Be there and if you are having a lucky day you will get them talking about the gossip vine...
-Another thing is to let her take control of her academics. My only ask is to give every subject its due and work hard so you are able to continue building till you decide what's right for you.
-I remember the day - when I eased my intensity - it was like she was self motivated to do her work without being asked. I have always been big on choices as being a child I didn't get many. No blame game but the rearing then was completely different. Today, phrases like - "mom is always right", "because I told you so", "I know better" don't work with this gen. They want to experiment and make their own mistakes. Remember when we were the same age? We were tagged the black sheep when we decided to dress different and choose to believe in atheism!! This gen is no different. They just have too much on their plate in this never pausing world. All we need to do is build a little patience to let them color their portraits in their choice of colors...remembering its okay to color outside the lines every once in a while.
As much as we deal with fears of missing out, anxiety for the future, it helps them understand we are in the same boat as them - figuring out! The day I accepted I don't know everything and I am learning too - Instantly I felt the pressure is being lifted from my shoulders. Its not just me in this turbulence. N is here with me. She is trying to maneuver her way not only in her academics but also hobbies & social life.
I am no parenting coach and this is my first & last gig of the bit. But some things have brought in results and I just want to share with you all! If I were to give 1 piece of advice to fellow anxious moms who don't know how to handle the teen situation at all - it would be to Adapt! Be the mom that your child needs not what you wanted in your Mom. Don't make them choose friends on the basis of moms you like to hang out with or their ethnicity, choice of career. Yes it is our job to guide them - and now is the time we need to start acting on just being that - a Guide! The more we hold on to them and their choices - the more they are going to stride away. Hold them close to your heart and yet let them go - you will find them smiling back at you with a big the occasional big bear hug with sweet little "I love you Mom" whispering in your ear!
I know I become all philosophical when my birthday is close but hey - every once in a while its okay to rethink your priorities - Right??! Here's to a new phase of motherhood! To all my fellow teen moms :-) Cheers! Abhi to party shuru hui hai!!!!
-Desi Mom from Mom Reflections
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