Melancholic Mommy Phase

It has been a long long time I wrote a happy, cheerful post. 

Not that I am continuously being unhappy or sad about things.. but more often than not, unpleasant things keep coming my way. 

Yes, absence of ample sunshine and exciting activities derails me from my happy-go-lucky sense in this season... but positive things keep me going usually. 

A couple of years back I fought depression just around about this time. The factors that helped me wade my way through and back to sanity are the same factors that are so unpleasant this time around. 

Impossible? No. I have always felt life is very relative. What is Ok to 1 person can be horrible to another and what is slightly uncomfortable to 1 being can pose profound sadness in another person's life. 

Sometimes I feel, I was just happy being ignorant. Happy that there was so much positivity around. Happy that problems were there but I was willing to deal with them head-on. And for more reason than 1, things have changed. My basic pessimistic personality is soo out in open that I have to work terribly hard to put sense into the simplest of changes. 

Dealing with J or N hasn't been easy too. J is hardly around to perhaps even notice... But with N its impossible to have this kind of vacuum.  

I HAVE to be present. 

I HAVE to be positive. 

I NEED to let go..

I NEED to take it easy..

Yes. I am working very very hard to let her be. Embracing technology. Accepting that she is growing up too fast too soon. Taking up the challenge of bringing up an 8 year old going on almost 13 sometimes. I can see its a tug-of-war between her 8 yr old self and 10 times more matured self sometimes.. And that is where she needs my presence to be sane and calm so that she can download her feelings... her emotions... her confused state-of-mind over me and I think that is the toughest part. 

It reminds me of all the sayings and quotes of motherhood which said you have to give away yourself completely in order to bring up a child. Pour your love to such an extent that they cannot see the pain behind those smiles. I am no extra-ordinary soul to be doing this. I know every mother does this. I am only taking this platform to vent. Say it out loud "Its hard.!" 

Fighting depression/anger/sunken feelings is hard. Being a mother and doing the same is much more harder. 

Salute to all the older generations of moms who did that so gracefully that we didn't even get a hint of it till we grew up into teenagers or even older. 

Hope sanity prevails! Peace and happiness will follow...