Stop Saying - "Because I Told You SO!"

Child - "But why should I even eat the palak?"

Mom - "Because its for dinner. Finish it quickly."

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Child - "I want to wear the T-shirt to the party. Why can't I?"

Mom - "Are you even thinking? How do you wear ghar ka T-shirt to a birthday party? Just wear the dress I kept and get ready quickly. "

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Child - "I hate school. Nobody plays. Why do I even have to go to school?"

Dad - "Do you want to remain illiterate like the domestic helper. I don't want to hear another word. Just get ready fast!"

SOUNDS FAMILIAR?? 

Even if we try to be more polite at times - we end up telling our children to just quickly do what they are expected to do without any arguments or discussions. 

And sometimes our behavior is well justified too. 

Office ka tension, Ghar ka Kaam, Relatives and Social pressure.. There are so many things that need our attention and we are exhausted multi-tasking most of the time. 

On top of that when children these days argue/discuss/negotiate/want explanation for things or actions - our mind is ready to burst like a spoiled pressure cooker. 

But think about it. 

If our boss or mother in law asks us something - do we just shrug them away by saying "I TOLD YOU SO!" ???

Will we ever tell our colleague, husband or even helper these days "JUST DO IT QUICKLY WITHOUT ASKING!!"???

The answer is most certainly - NO. We Won't!

We will try to reason and explain our actions or the need of their actions clearly to them. 

And then expect them to understand and finally Do It. 

Then why are growing children any different? 

Just because they are younger than us we expect them to keep following instructions without logic?

Or just because they are still developing their senses and intellect we ask them to follow rules without discussion??

On 1 hand we expect our children to be 

-intelligent, 

-fight for those 2 marks that the teacher cut by mistake, 

-don't take injustice in the outside world,

-negotiate for getting better role in the annual function (and even for onions at the subziwala) 

-stand up for themselves in the society play-area fight

But on the other hand at home we expect them to just listen...see and do without any questions/discussions/arguments - The one place where we can actually  teach them HOW TO Do the above! 

Isn't that hypocritical?? 

Its like the Mumma Bird telling the Baby Bird - I will not teach you how to use your wings to fly or beak to chew on the grain - BUT you have to get your own food in couple of weeks!!!

It sounds rather IMPOSSIBLE for the baby bird! - Isn't it? 

I know most of you are nodding .. because somewhere we remember our childhood. When our parents, teachers used do the same. 

If you have grown up in a conventional family of the 1990's - half of the times we were not even allowed to ask questions!! Leave alone get an explanation. 

But there is no point in blaming our upbringing. The situation was such.. The environment was such. 

Some actions or decisions - even Today require a basic instruction - a NO means NO. No negotiation!

But things have changed a lot over the last few decades. The new generation especially that we are upbringing these days cannot swallow instructions or directions without knowing WHY!

And if you sit down and think about it - Most of the day-to-day activities or tasks don't even need such commands. 

Let's revisit the above statements with a different approach. 

Child - "But why should I even eat the palak?"

Mom - "Because it helps you increase iron in your body. Also it helps you keep your eyes stronger. "

Child - "Why cannot I eat something else other than this yukky palak to make my eyes strong?" 

Mom - "Because the iron and the fibre that palak has together - no other vegetable has. Just like you. You have our own unique qualities which no one else in your class has! Just like we cannot replace you - We cannot replace the importance of Palak in our diet. If you want you can take a little jam/sauce/pickle with it so you can still enjoy the dinner. But leaving it is not a choice!"

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Child - "I want to wear the Tshirt to the party. Why can't I?"

Mom - "Because it is your uncle's dinner party. Just like you want to wear something special for your friend's birthday party...Same way you should dress accordingly. "

Child - "But Uncle is your and Papa's friend. And everyone there is older than me. What should I do?"

Mom - "Yes, but they have called us as a family. And when someone invites us we should be respectful and not walk in to their home as if we be at home. You don't have to wear a party dress if you want to. But let's choose something more appropriate for the occasion. Its good ettiquette. It is not for anyone else that we dress.. It is for ourselves and to help us feel comfortable in the place we are going.."

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Child - "I hate school. Nobody plays. Why do I even have to go to school?"

Dad - "I know beta. It is difficult to find like minded friends quickly in new school. However, that is not the only reason we go to school - correct. Child - "But I have all my books and I can learn everything at home. If I have doubt - I can ask you or Mom. What's the point of going to boring school?"

Dad - "It is true that books give you a lot of knowledge. But think - if everyone can learn everything from books, what is the need of schools and colleges and teachers? They are here for a reason! They help us make sense of the books. They not only guide us through the chapters but also many other things in the respective subjects. Being in a class helps you to work in a team. Even though right now you feel otherwise. Let's think about how to make it more interesting for you in the evening. But for now - not going to school is not a smart choice! Quickly get ready so we can enjoy listening to music when I drop you."

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Even if you read the above conversations in your head - it is taking a much longer time to get to the end of the conversation. But will the effect be the same? 

I can guarantee - NOT. 

Will you get more questions/arguments/longer discussions?

Maybe - Maybe Not. 

Will your child meaningfully understand the reasoning behind things - even if reluctantly?

Absolutely!! 

It may take time for them to understand your logic or your point too. But they will come around. 

When we finish the conversation even before it is started by saying - "Because I told You So!" 

The child often feels unheard...unsatisfied....angry....confused amongst other emotions. 

These are not very good feelings for a growing child. 

We feel we as parents are doing the best to provide the best and knowing what is best for them. And most of the times we do! No doubt about it! 

But does it have to be given to them like command? 

I think when we explain things to our children, we not only give them our valuable time but also a sense of confidence that their questions and arguments are not going in the outer space without any validation. They tooo have a point. But parents have a better point. 

Eventually they do understand our point over theirs... And sometimes the discussion continues over days or weeks. And trust me it is Hard for us parents. It sure is..Sometimes it even results in more frustration too on both sides. It can pave way from simple discussion to argument... But does it yield results- YES

Think about it this way - 

-They know they Can Speak UP. 

-They know it is OK to Ask Questions. 

-They learn it is OK to Negotiate for their wants. 

-They understand it is OK to Discuss for alternatives. 

-They realize their parents will help them understand and are going to be with them in this journey. 

Imagine a child with the above knowledge and understanding..

How confident the child will be?!! 😇😎

How ready he/she will be to take on the world around them? 🧒🏽👦🏽

How powerful they will feel in the outside world! 💪🏾

How understanding they will be to their siblings, friends and colleagues!🤟🏽✌🏽

Does the imagination give you Hope? For a better tomorrow? A better world? 

It does to me! 

So I follow this with my 9 year old daughter.. Do I get positive results every single time I explain/help understand/let her negotiate -No. Sometimes the end of the conversation is still "Because I told You so!!" 

But more often than not - She knows if she is in doubt - She can come to me. She can Try! She can Hope!! She can Dream! 

And that's all that matters!!

-Mom.Reflections